Then what

I turn another year older this week.  I’m having such a strong pull, a feeling, an urge today. It is always there, sometimes it stays away for weeks, months, days. I want a child, I want to be a mother, I want a baby, I want to teach my child, I want to learn from my child, I want

It is so strong today, this urge. As I turn a year older and think about what’s next, now what, how will it be, I hope it all works out for both of us. My husband does not want children, I know this, I knew this. Why do certain people come into our lives - to teach? to mold? to become? what?

Do we get what we need? Do we need what we get? Could a person who wants to be a parent, not ever parent? Is being an aunt enough? Am I selfish? Is being selfish a bad thing? Would I not be a good parent? Is this not the right time? Is this not the right person? How can you love so deeply someone who won’t give you what you want. Is what you want always what you need?

What am suppose to be, do, make, explore, learn, teach? Have I already done those things? Will I ever get to do those things? and if so, then what?