Then what

I turn another year older this week.  I’m having such a strong pull, a feeling, an urge today. It is always there, sometimes it stays away for weeks, months, days. I want a child, I want to be a mother, I want a baby, I want to teach my child, I want to learn from my child, I want

It is so strong today, this urge. As I turn a year older and think about what’s next, now what, how will it be, I hope it all works out for both of us. My husband does not want children, I know this, I knew this. Why do certain people come into our lives - to teach? to mold? to become? what?

Do we get what we need? Do we need what we get? Could a person who wants to be a parent, not ever parent? Is being an aunt enough? Am I selfish? Is being selfish a bad thing? Would I not be a good parent? Is this not the right time? Is this not the right person? How can you love so deeply someone who won’t give you what you want. Is what you want always what you need?

What am suppose to be, do, make, explore, learn, teach? Have I already done those things? Will I ever get to do those things? and if so, then what?

Who will you be?

Do you believe that your life is planned out already? There is some sketch artist in the sky who has penned out your life and like one of the books were you thumb the pages real quick your whole life to brought  . . . well to life.

It is already planned for example that you will be an awkward tween who tries to be a bit of everyone around her because she is not quite sure had to act. It is already planned out that you will never be the popular one, but will always be her friend.  It is planned that you will be so severely indecisive with your own life choices yet hate it when your husband takes a year to pick out just the right tv.

It is already planned in the sketch book in the sky that you will have immense love and yearing for children and the deepest wonder about what it would be like to be called mom, but no children you will have.

It may also very well be planned that you will change jobs sporadically, even starting your own business and almost running from a stable and rewarding opportunity, yet always yearning from a steady paycheck in which you can feel that you contribute to the home.

I have no idea how i am described by people. When someone says , hey who is that tell me about her – what words are chosen for me?
friendly, kind, helpful, shy, boring, stalled, dependable, trust-worthy, smart, homely do i or have i ever made an impact on someones life – good or bad?

I just live this life. i deal with what comes my way always wondering, honing, longing for more or different or what they have. but all that was already determined.
why would someone/thing purposely pen a life that is boring, not important, just . . . there.

i am a home-body who loves to curl up on the couch on a friday night and read fictional stories about women and the lives they fictionally lead.

i wonder what else is in that sketch book, i hope it gets better

this post may sound like i hate my find, that i am deeply unhappy and unfulfilled. not totally acurate. i love having a home, cooking for 2 or the family, i love feeling productive and solving problems (others’ not mine) i have moments of joy and can laugh for hours. i do believe my family is proud of me (althought i am not sure for what) i know i am loved. i love being a wife. i love when he tells me about his day and make sugestions for our life. i love me

so why the downer post – just letting my heart/self talk throught the keyboard. they won’t all be like this:)