Then what

I turn another year older this week.  I’m having such a strong pull, a feeling, an urge today. It is always there, sometimes it stays away for weeks, months, days. I want a child, I want to be a mother, I want a baby, I want to teach my child, I want to learn from my child, I want

It is so strong today, this urge. As I turn a year older and think about what’s next, now what, how will it be, I hope it all works out for both of us. My husband does not want children, I know this, I knew this. Why do certain people come into our lives - to teach? to mold? to become? what?

Do we get what we need? Do we need what we get? Could a person who wants to be a parent, not ever parent? Is being an aunt enough? Am I selfish? Is being selfish a bad thing? Would I not be a good parent? Is this not the right time? Is this not the right person? How can you love so deeply someone who won’t give you what you want. Is what you want always what you need?

What am suppose to be, do, make, explore, learn, teach? Have I already done those things? Will I ever get to do those things? and if so, then what?

Wow, Seven years

I still can’t believe it, I still can’t wrap my mind around it. I was working in advertising sales and was in my car in a parking lot looking at my schedule for the day, it wasn’t very full.  I had the car radio on and the breaking news sound came on. Three hours later i was still in that parking lot, I had called my Sister, my Dad, my friend who has a friend that lived in NYC.  I couldn’t quite decide what to do, sitting there in that car in a parking lot, I felt so small.  I finally got moving and headed over to the mall – I needed to get in front on a TV set. (at the time I was 45 minutes from home)

I went to the electronics department in Sears were me and a crowd of others stood staring at the coverage. Sears had put 10 different TVs in 10 different sizes on 10 different news channels. We all just stood there no one was speaking, several had tears running down there face, most had their mouth gaping just wondering and hoping and praying.

I called my afternoon clients and rescheduled and drove home. I sat on the couch for the rest of the day and night in total disbelief. I watched over and over again as the first tower came down, then the second. All those people covered in ash running, not sure which way to run and not wanting to leave anyone behind. The images of that week and all those weeks after are so engraved in my minds eye. 

I did not know anyone working in the towers, I didn’t know anyone living in the city, I didn’t know anyone that was flying that day. But I felt the loss the dispair the fear so deeply.  So tomorrow when the news shows those images again on this 7th anniversary I know we will all re-live where we were at that moment, and the feelings we had/have.

I have been to NYC once in my life. It was 2 weeks before 9/11/01. I was at training for my new job in Albany for 2 weeks and me and another girl took the train into the city just for the afternoon. I got to see a broadway show, eat at a famous restaurant, a walk around the city for a few hours. I was just there for an afternoon and the city had put its mark on my heart in that short period of time. I haven’t been back but I hope to soon.

dog kisses

Sometimes in order to feel better and make all the troubles go far away, sometimes all you need is a dog kiss!

 

- they are free ( except if you are the owner of said dog then sure it is free, except for the bizzillions of dollars spent in ear cleaners, shots, nail clippings, food, toys,)

- you can quite literally feel troubled thoughts melting away

 

- as hard as you try you cannot not smile when you are the special recipient of a dog kiss

- the unconditional, undying, ever=present love that is felt in that instant is one of lifes “bests”

but, it can be a bit gross. Like, i would prefer not to be the recipient of a dog kiss immediately after said canine has licked him/herself, ate tuna, ate a lizard, . .

I always have to put the downer spin on things don’t I

so dog kisses; kind cute or kinda gross

what do you think?