Communication

I really suck at communicating. I used to blame it on the other person, thinking and saying things like - why can’t you just tell me what you are thinking?, Just be honest with me, I don’t know what the problem is if you don’t tell me.

But wonder of all wonders – it is me that is the bad communicator, but only when it comes to my husband. Why is that? I can speak to co-workers, friends, strangers, most family members about nearly everything with no problem. I can give out great advice and explain quite articulately my own thoughts. But, when something is awry in my married life I shut down and hold it in. I don’t speak up and whatever the issue is just festers inside me. Eventually what was initially a small issue begins to grow and becomes this huge thing in my mind. It gets so big that eventually I break down and start to have thoughts of my marriage breaking down. All because I could not buck up and open my mouth at the onset. Why, why do I do this.

Sometimes this happens with small unimportant things. For instance putting the dished in the dish washer. Not a big deal. I could just open my mouth and say – you know it would really help me out if you would put your dishes directly in the dishwasher instead of piling them up on the counter for me to do later. But no I hold it in until one otherwise peaceful Sunday morning the screaming banshee comes out – Why the hell can’t you take 2 freakin’ seconds to put the damn dishes in the dishwasher – are your arms broken, do you not realize the large black appliance in the wall actually has a mission in life to clean our dishes – it’s not that fucking difficult!

But, sometimes it is a big deal.  For a while now my husband and my sex life has been non existent. I would guess that in the last 12 months we have had sex maybe 7 times.  And when we do have sex I am the one that initiates it. I hate that. Isn’t that suppose to be the mans job. Grouping at his wife at inopportune times, make stupid sex comments, trying to get a quicky in before heading off to work in the morning. I am so sick of hearing men whine about how their wife doesn’t put out. How their wife makes the I have a headache excuse. How they have to practically beg their wife to have sex. But what about if the tables are turned. That’s me. Perhaps the one woman in the universe that wants to have more sex and her husband doesn’t/ When have you ever seen an article written in a women’s magazine about how to have your husband initiate sex with his wife – never.   

It makes me fell ugly, embarrassed, frustrated and alone.  It wasn’t always this way. My husband and I have been in each others lives for 10 years now. In the beginning it was a daily or every-other-day occurrence. And has slowly dissolved over time. I understand this happens. The sex life you have in the beginning of your courtship doesn’t last and can’t last or we would never get anything done. I understand that. But 7 times in one year! Isn’t that a bit on the infrequent side?

I want my husband to be attracted to me. I want him to group me while I’m loading the dish washer ( see above). I want his hands on me in a passionate can’t get enough of me kind of way. Is that asking too much.

So back to the communication. I have been holding this in for a while. Actually I have brought it up occasionally. Asking him if he is happy with our sex life. He has said no and that he would like it to increase as well. But nothing is done about it. I guess I don’t ask enough questions, Are you not attracted to me? Is there something physically wrong? Mentally wrong? Are you stressed? Is there someone else?

I don’t ask those questions – probably because I don’t want to hear the answers. So Friday night we are on the couch watching TV. I am laying down with my head in his lap. Slowly I move my hand up and down his leg, and eventually caressing him under his shorts. He doesn’t do anything. He just sits there watching the TV. He is responding physically, but he doesn’t put his hands on me, he doesn’t make any noise. I stop and ask if he wants to go to bed. We get up to turn off the the TV, turn off the lights, get into bed – I’m thinking great this will be great! He falls asleep. I cry.

I leave the room and spend the night in the guest room. he wakes me up in the morning to let me know the alarm is going off (I had to work Saturday morning) and then he goes back to bed. Never asking why I slept in the guest room. I shower, go to work. He was out for most of the day. He comes home and neither of us say anything. Perhaps it isn’t just me who can’t communicate. Finally that evening I tell him I was upset last night and that is why I slept in the guest room. He immediately acknowledges that he knows why, he says he didn’t know if I wanted to continue or if I just wanted to go to sleep. What?! What other sign do I need to give. I tell him that I am concerned and ask if anything is wrong. That I hope he would tell me if anything is wrong. He says everything is fine, nothing to worry about. He says he’ll make it up to me tonight if I want.

If I want! Obviously I want! But the question is does HE want. But of course I don’t say or ask that. The whole conversation lasted 2 minutes.

I didn’t say all the things that I wanted to: Does it bother you that we don’t have sex with any frequency? Do you find me attractive? Is there someone else? Is there something physically or mentally wrong? What I really want is for you to want to be with me and for you to show it. I need you to tell me and show me that you love me. I need to be physically close to you. I am so worried about us. Please open up to me so that I can open up to you.

We did not have sex Saturday night. He was up watching tv until after midnight and I went to bed around 10.  Sunday morning I woke up before him and let the dogs out and laid down on the couch. He came out and got me, we went back to bed and attempted to make love. He couldn’t get hard. He pleasured me and we held each other for quite awhile. We were so close to each other with our naked bodies wrapped around us. I didn’t ever want to leave that space. He told me he loves me. It felt so nice to be that physically close. We did not speak about why he couldn’t perform. I asked if he wants to try again, he said not now.

We eventually untangled and when about our day.

I love my husband. I know my husband loves me. Is love enough?

I will conscientiously work on my communication skills. I will try on a daily basis to speak clearly my thoughts and questions. I will work each and every day to move closer to my husband.