Then what

I turn another year older this week.  I’m having such a strong pull, a feeling, an urge today. It is always there, sometimes it stays away for weeks, months, days. I want a child, I want to be a mother, I want a baby, I want to teach my child, I want to learn from my child, I want

It is so strong today, this urge. As I turn a year older and think about what’s next, now what, how will it be, I hope it all works out for both of us. My husband does not want children, I know this, I knew this. Why do certain people come into our lives - to teach? to mold? to become? what?

Do we get what we need? Do we need what we get? Could a person who wants to be a parent, not ever parent? Is being an aunt enough? Am I selfish? Is being selfish a bad thing? Would I not be a good parent? Is this not the right time? Is this not the right person? How can you love so deeply someone who won’t give you what you want. Is what you want always what you need?

What am suppose to be, do, make, explore, learn, teach? Have I already done those things? Will I ever get to do those things? and if so, then what?

Communication

I really suck at communicating. I used to blame it on the other person, thinking and saying things like - why can’t you just tell me what you are thinking?, Just be honest with me, I don’t know what the problem is if you don’t tell me.

But wonder of all wonders – it is me that is the bad communicator, but only when it comes to my husband. Why is that? I can speak to co-workers, friends, strangers, most family members about nearly everything with no problem. I can give out great advice and explain quite articulately my own thoughts. But, when something is awry in my married life I shut down and hold it in. I don’t speak up and whatever the issue is just festers inside me. Eventually what was initially a small issue begins to grow and becomes this huge thing in my mind. It gets so big that eventually I break down and start to have thoughts of my marriage breaking down. All because I could not buck up and open my mouth at the onset. Why, why do I do this.

Sometimes this happens with small unimportant things. For instance putting the dished in the dish washer. Not a big deal. I could just open my mouth and say – you know it would really help me out if you would put your dishes directly in the dishwasher instead of piling them up on the counter for me to do later. But no I hold it in until one otherwise peaceful Sunday morning the screaming banshee comes out – Why the hell can’t you take 2 freakin’ seconds to put the damn dishes in the dishwasher – are your arms broken, do you not realize the large black appliance in the wall actually has a mission in life to clean our dishes – it’s not that fucking difficult!

But, sometimes it is a big deal.  For a while now my husband and my sex life has been non existent. I would guess that in the last 12 months we have had sex maybe 7 times.  And when we do have sex I am the one that initiates it. I hate that. Isn’t that suppose to be the mans job. Grouping at his wife at inopportune times, make stupid sex comments, trying to get a quicky in before heading off to work in the morning. I am so sick of hearing men whine about how their wife doesn’t put out. How their wife makes the I have a headache excuse. How they have to practically beg their wife to have sex. But what about if the tables are turned. That’s me. Perhaps the one woman in the universe that wants to have more sex and her husband doesn’t/ When have you ever seen an article written in a women’s magazine about how to have your husband initiate sex with his wife – never.   

It makes me fell ugly, embarrassed, frustrated and alone.  It wasn’t always this way. My husband and I have been in each others lives for 10 years now. In the beginning it was a daily or every-other-day occurrence. And has slowly dissolved over time. I understand this happens. The sex life you have in the beginning of your courtship doesn’t last and can’t last or we would never get anything done. I understand that. But 7 times in one year! Isn’t that a bit on the infrequent side?

I want my husband to be attracted to me. I want him to group me while I’m loading the dish washer ( see above). I want his hands on me in a passionate can’t get enough of me kind of way. Is that asking too much.

So back to the communication. I have been holding this in for a while. Actually I have brought it up occasionally. Asking him if he is happy with our sex life. He has said no and that he would like it to increase as well. But nothing is done about it. I guess I don’t ask enough questions, Are you not attracted to me? Is there something physically wrong? Mentally wrong? Are you stressed? Is there someone else?

I don’t ask those questions – probably because I don’t want to hear the answers. So Friday night we are on the couch watching TV. I am laying down with my head in his lap. Slowly I move my hand up and down his leg, and eventually caressing him under his shorts. He doesn’t do anything. He just sits there watching the TV. He is responding physically, but he doesn’t put his hands on me, he doesn’t make any noise. I stop and ask if he wants to go to bed. We get up to turn off the the TV, turn off the lights, get into bed – I’m thinking great this will be great! He falls asleep. I cry.

I leave the room and spend the night in the guest room. he wakes me up in the morning to let me know the alarm is going off (I had to work Saturday morning) and then he goes back to bed. Never asking why I slept in the guest room. I shower, go to work. He was out for most of the day. He comes home and neither of us say anything. Perhaps it isn’t just me who can’t communicate. Finally that evening I tell him I was upset last night and that is why I slept in the guest room. He immediately acknowledges that he knows why, he says he didn’t know if I wanted to continue or if I just wanted to go to sleep. What?! What other sign do I need to give. I tell him that I am concerned and ask if anything is wrong. That I hope he would tell me if anything is wrong. He says everything is fine, nothing to worry about. He says he’ll make it up to me tonight if I want.

If I want! Obviously I want! But the question is does HE want. But of course I don’t say or ask that. The whole conversation lasted 2 minutes.

I didn’t say all the things that I wanted to: Does it bother you that we don’t have sex with any frequency? Do you find me attractive? Is there someone else? Is there something physically or mentally wrong? What I really want is for you to want to be with me and for you to show it. I need you to tell me and show me that you love me. I need to be physically close to you. I am so worried about us. Please open up to me so that I can open up to you.

We did not have sex Saturday night. He was up watching tv until after midnight and I went to bed around 10.  Sunday morning I woke up before him and let the dogs out and laid down on the couch. He came out and got me, we went back to bed and attempted to make love. He couldn’t get hard. He pleasured me and we held each other for quite awhile. We were so close to each other with our naked bodies wrapped around us. I didn’t ever want to leave that space. He told me he loves me. It felt so nice to be that physically close. We did not speak about why he couldn’t perform. I asked if he wants to try again, he said not now.

We eventually untangled and when about our day.

I love my husband. I know my husband loves me. Is love enough?

I will conscientiously work on my communication skills. I will try on a daily basis to speak clearly my thoughts and questions. I will work each and every day to move closer to my husband.

Wow, Seven years

I still can’t believe it, I still can’t wrap my mind around it. I was working in advertising sales and was in my car in a parking lot looking at my schedule for the day, it wasn’t very full.  I had the car radio on and the breaking news sound came on. Three hours later i was still in that parking lot, I had called my Sister, my Dad, my friend who has a friend that lived in NYC.  I couldn’t quite decide what to do, sitting there in that car in a parking lot, I felt so small.  I finally got moving and headed over to the mall – I needed to get in front on a TV set. (at the time I was 45 minutes from home)

I went to the electronics department in Sears were me and a crowd of others stood staring at the coverage. Sears had put 10 different TVs in 10 different sizes on 10 different news channels. We all just stood there no one was speaking, several had tears running down there face, most had their mouth gaping just wondering and hoping and praying.

I called my afternoon clients and rescheduled and drove home. I sat on the couch for the rest of the day and night in total disbelief. I watched over and over again as the first tower came down, then the second. All those people covered in ash running, not sure which way to run and not wanting to leave anyone behind. The images of that week and all those weeks after are so engraved in my minds eye. 

I did not know anyone working in the towers, I didn’t know anyone living in the city, I didn’t know anyone that was flying that day. But I felt the loss the dispair the fear so deeply.  So tomorrow when the news shows those images again on this 7th anniversary I know we will all re-live where we were at that moment, and the feelings we had/have.

I have been to NYC once in my life. It was 2 weeks before 9/11/01. I was at training for my new job in Albany for 2 weeks and me and another girl took the train into the city just for the afternoon. I got to see a broadway show, eat at a famous restaurant, a walk around the city for a few hours. I was just there for an afternoon and the city had put its mark on my heart in that short period of time. I haven’t been back but I hope to soon.

Money Thoughts

Being broke truly does suck. I know . . duh. It’s not like anyone says, gee if only I were broke.
I know I am in this situation due to decisions I made. Some stupid decisions, some just not fully thought out, some not my fault, and some where I was just plan unlucky.
The thing I hate the absolute most, is not being independent. I hate having to ask my husband for money. I know is our money, what’s his is mine, 50/50. But, it’s not my money, its his. He worked for it, he saved it, its his.
I am so determined to get rid of this debt. I can’t wait to write out checks that will bring my debt down – the thought of that is downright exciting!
I will not give up – I will not be at this place again.
I know exactly what I need to make to be debt free in 3 years time. Now I just need to find the income so that I can write those exciting checks and be debt free in 3 years.

dog kisses

Sometimes in order to feel better and make all the troubles go far away, sometimes all you need is a dog kiss!

 

- they are free ( except if you are the owner of said dog then sure it is free, except for the bizzillions of dollars spent in ear cleaners, shots, nail clippings, food, toys,)

- you can quite literally feel troubled thoughts melting away

 

- as hard as you try you cannot not smile when you are the special recipient of a dog kiss

- the unconditional, undying, ever=present love that is felt in that instant is one of lifes “bests”

but, it can be a bit gross. Like, i would prefer not to be the recipient of a dog kiss immediately after said canine has licked him/herself, ate tuna, ate a lizard, . .

I always have to put the downer spin on things don’t I

so dog kisses; kind cute or kinda gross

what do you think?

Broke

I am so broke, it is not even funny. Although why that would be funny at all, i am not sure.  Two and a half years age I was approached to purchase a company. At the time I was tried/burnt-out at my career and the idea of being a business owner was so appealing. I spoke with my husband about it and he said if it was what I wanted to do then I should go for it. So I accept the proposal and took over all aspects of the business. At first I stayed on with my full-time job (this business is web-based) and ran the business in the pm, early am and weekends. After a few months i went to part-time and them in Dec of 2006 I left my previous position.  When I bought the company I was naive and foolish in that I did not take the necessary steps in determining the business’ true value and took the word of the person I bought it from. I know – stupid.

The business was moving along summer and fall are “Busy” months and the rest of the year is slow bout steady.  The business has yet to make a profit, and I know that it can take a few years, but I/we cannot hack it any more. I am just barely about to cover the expenses and am no longer able to contribute to the household. My husband has had to pay for everything – all our bills, the mortgage, food, etc. I have no money and it is driving me crazy.

I have always been independent, and liked it that way. I hate the feeling of having of not being able to contribute financially to my husband’s and my life. He has never said a thing about it to me, but I know it has to be very frustrating to him, I know it would be to me.

So here I am trying to find a way out. The business is so overpriced that I cannot find anyone interested in buying it. The plan now is to find a full-time job, sell off my inventory, close the business and use my income to repay my business loan.  It would take another 5 years to pay off the loan.  That makes me sad, pissed, frustrated, angry . . .

I may be able to keep up the business on the side with any/all cash flow going toward the loan. I’ll have to wait and see if I am able to keep that up.

So now I have the pleasant experience of trying to find a well paying job in a smallish town asap, let the games begin . . .

Who will you be?

Do you believe that your life is planned out already? There is some sketch artist in the sky who has penned out your life and like one of the books were you thumb the pages real quick your whole life to brought  . . . well to life.

It is already planned for example that you will be an awkward tween who tries to be a bit of everyone around her because she is not quite sure had to act. It is already planned out that you will never be the popular one, but will always be her friend.  It is planned that you will be so severely indecisive with your own life choices yet hate it when your husband takes a year to pick out just the right tv.

It is already planned in the sketch book in the sky that you will have immense love and yearing for children and the deepest wonder about what it would be like to be called mom, but no children you will have.

It may also very well be planned that you will change jobs sporadically, even starting your own business and almost running from a stable and rewarding opportunity, yet always yearning from a steady paycheck in which you can feel that you contribute to the home.

I have no idea how i am described by people. When someone says , hey who is that tell me about her – what words are chosen for me?
friendly, kind, helpful, shy, boring, stalled, dependable, trust-worthy, smart, homely do i or have i ever made an impact on someones life – good or bad?

I just live this life. i deal with what comes my way always wondering, honing, longing for more or different or what they have. but all that was already determined.
why would someone/thing purposely pen a life that is boring, not important, just . . . there.

i am a home-body who loves to curl up on the couch on a friday night and read fictional stories about women and the lives they fictionally lead.

i wonder what else is in that sketch book, i hope it gets better

this post may sound like i hate my find, that i am deeply unhappy and unfulfilled. not totally acurate. i love having a home, cooking for 2 or the family, i love feeling productive and solving problems (others’ not mine) i have moments of joy and can laugh for hours. i do believe my family is proud of me (althought i am not sure for what) i know i am loved. i love being a wife. i love when he tells me about his day and make sugestions for our life. i love me

so why the downer post – just letting my heart/self talk throught the keyboard. they won’t all be like this:)

A Blog

cleared (clear):

from Wiktionary

- the process of making good on an obligation, as with a check

- a synonym for transparent: as clear as crystal

- a computer programming command

- an American punk band

- free of obstacles: the coast is clear.

- without clouds: clear weather, a clear day

- free of ambiguity or doubt: do i make myself clear? crystal clear.

- free of guilt or suspicion: a clear conscience  

- all the way, entirely: i threw it clear across the river to the other side.

- to remove obstructions or impediments: clear the way

- to earn a profit of, to net: he’s been clearing seven thousand a week.

blog:

a personal or corporate website in the form of an online journal, with new entries appearing in sequence as they are written, especially as dealing with reflections or opinion, and typically incorporating links to other articles.

 

and so it begins . . .